Entry 23784327473467838
by eris86
Summary: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about fanfiction...oh dear God, it's back.
1. Chapter 1

_**The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about fanfiction:**_

Nine times out of ten, fans are not pleased with the way their Creators treat the characters they so brilliantly invented and then abandoned to weak plot devices. Hence, writers ranging from the very good to the mind-numbingly terrible write stories, termed "fanfiction", in which (with the help of a disclaimer saying "Don't Sue!) they can make the characters do whatever they darn well please.

A good example of this is the show "Xwhjgrwegjhrweehj, the Shdafdgfdhsjg", the most popular historical fantasy drama to ever be produced on Alpha Centauri. When the sorceress princess Xjjynitf passed over both the poor-yet-virtuous-and-magically-gifted-woodcutter AND the handsome warrior prince in favor of a used speeder salesman, ratings initially went through the roof. However, the writers soon discovered that this was only so that fanfiction writers system-wide wanted to construct alternate realities in which this had never happened, or creative and painful ways to kill off the salesman. Some writers even banded together to create whole alternate seasons. Shows on Earth that this has happened to would be "Sliders" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", but these are not carried by any of the major galactic networks in an effort to prevent riots. As a matter of fact, all of "Sliders" after season 2 has been banned in the Epsilon system, as the last time they were shown there, Earth was nearly brought up on charges for the death of the Professor and Wade, and Maggie was burned in effigy system-wide for over a year.

_-entry by eris86, Earth correspondent and resident mixology expert_

_Whump_. (WHUMP) To whump, whumping. adj. Fanfiction term used to describe pain, either emotional or physical, inflicted on a sympathetic character either for the purposes of furthering the storyline, making a sociocultural point, setting up the Hurt part of a Hurt/Comfort fic, or simply because the author likes to do it.

_Woobie_. (WOOB-ie) adj. Diminutive. Term used to describe a character that one feels affection/pity for, caught in a situation of mental or physical anguish. Example: "Just Jill is subjecting the wonderful Qui-Gon and the adorable-soon-to-be-luscious Obi-Wan to undue amounts of angst. Poor woobies, I bet she has some whumping in store for them, too."

_**Author's note:** I have no idea where the heck this came from. One moment I was explaining terms to Just Jill (I highly recommend her work, by the way!) and the next moment, this was sitting in front of me. Ah, well. Read and review, guys._


	2. Chapter 2

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_OC. (OH-see) noun. Other character: a noncanonical character in a fanfiction. Often, but not always, interacts with major canonical characters. Can range anywhere from pretty darn good to poisonously saccharin. WARNING: unless great care is taken, an OC can mutate into a Mary Sue._

_Canon. (CAN-on) noun. The Bible, the Core, The Central Universe, Timeheart, the Realm of the Maker; whatever you want to call it, it's the Original Text, wherein The Author is God. All fanfiction deviates from this point, sometimes far too wildly. In that instance, help is brought in, hopefully before things get too far out of hand. (Note: If you have trouble with the omnipotence of the Author, head for the Official Fanfiction University of Middle Earth and ask Miss Cam to direct you to the Headmaster's office. He'll explain. –Ed.) _

_The encyclopedia Galactica has this to say about Mary Sues:_

Mary Sue. (MA-ry SOO) noun. A completely perfect female being inserted in a fanfiction story for the purposes of saving every single character at least thrice, seducing one or more of the main characters, and Saving the World. Phrase is commonly used either in ridicule or indignation; however, the term itself, as well as what it describes, is either illegal or considered heresy on several planets. For a full list thereof, please see volumes XII through XVXVVIII of the Encyclopedia Alternafictiona. See also Marty Sam/Marty Stu/Gary Lou, the male counterparts.

_The Hitchhiker's Guide entry is somewhat more blunt. It simply states:_

Run. Hide. Avoid at all costs.

_It then goes on to explain why._

The Sue is stunningly beautiful, often in a ridiculously unusual way. This involves, oftentimes, having a hair color that changes every three seconds, or is "reddish goldish brownish black" to begin with. She will have large and luminous eyes that are, once again, some farfetched shade. They may also mirror Hidden Secrets, a Deep and Woeful Sorrow, the light of the Two Trees (in some rare cases), and most revoltingly the all-important…Inner Light. A master of all forms of combat and brilliantly intelligent to boot, the Sue possesses wondrous magical and regenerative powers that this correspondent couldn't care less about. As you can imagine, she is almost universally hated.

(_The Editors would like it noted that the last, erm, "eye quality", of the Sues is incredibly dangerous, although Sues and their Writers never seem to think about it. What is one to do if one is drawn to the inner light of a person whose outside is unattractive? No, should one wish to glimpse Inner Light, it's best to follow the advice under the entry for love: Don't. You'll be much happier as a shallow person who only cares about appearances and judges every book by its cover. Trust us._)

While the Mary Sue is a menace to every branch of fandom, there are those that are far worse hit than others, the worst of these being Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings. In fact, it's gotten so bad that the Protectors of the Plot Continuum (who may be contacted through Miss Cam) have to focus their entire efforts on this one work in an effort to eradicate, or at least contain the Sues. This correspondent is of the opinion that the PPC should attempt some sort of coordination with Jurisfiction, if they really want to knock the Sue problem. Alternately, they could just ship all the Sues off to one of the pleasure Planets in the Evvik system and make themselves a tidy bundle.

_-Entry by eris86, Earth Correspondent and Canon Lover_

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy is quite popular with Sue Slayers.

_-entry dedicated to Miss Cam, Jay and Acacia, and all those who love the story, any story, in its truest form._


	3. Chapter 3

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_Hurt/Comfort. adj. A fanfiction that exists for the sole purpose of badly mangling one character so that another can comfort them. This is especially popular amongst those who wish for a romantic liaison between two characters, platonic bonding between two characters, or a whole lot of group bonding of the most healthy and legal type. Those who seek to turn a hurt/comfort into a group grope are a minority, albeit a loud and enthusiastic one. _

_Squee. (SKWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE). adj. ejaculation. Used to display mirth, joy, excitement, or all three combined with a serious sugar high. Most often used by teenage girls, said girls who have spotted their lust object, or shippers when they have had a "moment"._

_The galactic Government denies the existence of shippers. The Hitchhiker's Guide defines them._

Ship. Also shipping, shippers, shippy, shippyness. adj., verb, noun, whatever. Fanfic shorthand for "relationship", used in reference to canon characters in romantic relationships. Said relationships can be ones that the Authors have Written, and are merely being elaborated on by overenthusiastic romantic fans. However, the pairings are most often ones that are not recognized "officially" in canon, or recognized at all. (Slash and interspecies pairings usually fall into these categories.)

One of the strongest "ships" presently afloat is the Sam Carter/Jack O'Neill "ship" of the show "Stargate SG-1". The legions of Sam/Jack shippers deserve very special recognition, simply because they allow nothing to get in the way: past loves, Sam's Black Widow curse, U. S. military regulations, or the fact that Richard Dean Anderson's character is no longer officially on the show.

Although the Canon from time to time has hinted at deeper feelings between these main characters, and the Writers tormented fans with The Kiss That Didn't Really Happen, (epi. 7.13, "Grace") the relationship within canon has remained one of mutual admiration (or, as correspondent Tamun so succinctly put it after a 12 hour SG-1 – and – gargleblaster marathon, "Stagnant").

Reasonably, this stagnation has infuriated numerous fans, who have written even more numerous stories that either stretch canon until it screams for mercy, or shreds it altogether. Fortunately, it has not yet spawned the kind of riots seen during the last season of "Xwhjgrwegjhrweehj, the Shdafdgfdhsjg", wherein thousands of mimes were beaten to speech with wet noodles.

-_Entry by eris86, Earth correspondent and reluctant shipper_

(Endorsed by correspondent Zadira, who is currently fuschia with laughter)


	4. Chapter 4

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_Meep. (meep) ejaculation. Expression of fear. Most utilized by females under the age of twenty. Often used when being confronted by irate parents, irate authority figures, and irate canonical lust objects…especially lust objects that have a fondness for weaponry. In the case of fangirls, this word is also used upon being cornered by the enraged significant other of one's irate lust object._

_Glomp. (Guhlomp). Verb. To glomp, to be glomped by, glomping. A flying tackle hug, used to express adoration, appreciation, desire, or a severe sugar high. Typical reaction of fangirls upon spotting their lust object. Signs of potential glomping include panting, drooling, a slightly glazed expression, and screams of "Squee!" If these symptoms are spotted in an individual, hide. If they are spotted in a group, run. Very very fast._

_The Hitchhiker's Guide, when not hiding from glompers, has this to say about Fangirls:_

Fangirl. (FAN-gurl) noun. Also fangurl, fangirls, fangurlz, fangrrlz and infinite variations thereof. Oftentimes between the ages of thirteen and twenty-one, the fangirl is one of the greatest plagues known to plots everywhere. She lusts wholeheartedly after one or more characters in any given book or movie, to the point that she will write endless sappy self-insertion fics about them, or create "the perfect partner" that bears a strong resemblance to an idealized version of herself. She is vitriolic in her hatred of any female characters, especially those partnered with said lust object, and is ruthless in her disposal of them. The fangirl is the primary source of Mary Sues; the younger and more obsessive she is, the more sappy and dangerous the Sue. Pairing fangirls are nearly as dangerous, due to their obsessive protection of their OTP (One True Pairing, see further entries for a full explanation); however, if the pairing is canon endorsed, they can actually be useful in their own revolting little way, i.e. Ginny/Harry shippers.

_(The fangirl anthem could rightly be said to be "David Duchovny" by Bree Sharp; although the lyrics reference the "X-Files" fandom, the sentiments are universal. "David Duchovny, I know you could love me, I'm sweet and I'm cuddly, I'm gonna KILL Scully!" 'Nuff said. - Ed.) _

Besides her affinity for magical avatars, the fangirl may also be the source of stories that place all her favorite characters, from ALL continuums, in the same place at the same time and have them interact. Naturally, this sort of story is full of plot contrivances, awkward dialog, ridiculous situations, and would cause the fangirls' English professor to fail her should he ever read them. A small but exuberant minority is also the source of slash stories between quite firmly heterosexual (and often married) characters. This does not occur because they think that there was a homosexual undertone to any works in which said characters were involved – at least not most of the time – but simply because the fangirl wants her lust objects all naked in the same place at the same time. As one can imagine, the recent film "Brokeback Mountain" is extremely popular amongst certain fangirls.

The male counterpart, the Fanboy, is somewhat less dangerous…not because he lusts less, but because there is only so much one can do with a Mary Sue, excluding femmeslash, when one's lust object is female, and the Male Lead will brook no Marty Sam rival. Equal Opportunity Lusters, however…(_Correspondent Tamun has taken over at this point, as Correspondent eris86 just started twitching, whimpering, and calling for endive. Sufficed to say, Equal Opportunity Lusters are exactly what they sound like, and should be fled from or bombarded with olive pits under all fanfiction circumstances. Unless one IS the aforementioned sort of Luster. In that case, there's nothing we can do for you except say that a threesome with Faramir, Aragorn, and Galadriel will never, EVER happen, and is indeed a most revolting concept. Thank you for your time._)

_Entry by eris86, earth correspondent and closet fangirl_

_(Aided by Tamun, Earth correspondent whose lust object is Canon, damnit)_

_Stay tuned for a very special tribute article, coming soon to a Guide near you!_


	5. Chapter 5: A glimpse into the cubicle

SPECIAL ENTRY 42nd REVIEWER: SCHERMIONE

_Mpreg. (EM-preg) adj. Male pregnancy. Beloved of slashers. Anatomically impossible. A great source of distress for the characters who undergo the necessary sex change and/or manipulation for this to happen; reports have surfaced that some have become so confused as to forget what their gender ever was in the first place. The writing of male pregnancy fics is illegal on Usurline 23: even thinking about it is grounds for execution by an Unlikely Object, to be determined by the judge based on the severity of the charges. For instance, those writing a fic wherein Harry Potter is impregnated by, say, Remus Lupin, would be drowned in a vat of liquefied licorice jellybeans, while the same fic with Dumbledore in Lupin's position would cause the guilty party to have to listen to the collected works of Britney Spears and Ashlee Simpson until the bleeding from their ears kills them, or insanity ensues. (It is debatable as to which of these two results would occur first.)_

_Entry by eris86, Earth correspondent with no desire to "share the joyous burden"_

Eris lifted her hands off the keyboard in order to rub her eyes and pat the small sentient cactus sitting next to her terminal. It purred, and burped up a paper clip. Tamun, in the cubicle next door, was sitting with his boots propped up on his desk, busily writing bad poetry for his ladylove, Field Marshal von Strangleholt. Zadira zipped by in pursuit of an amorous and impressionable intern. Things exploded in the distance. A herring wandered around looking for Nutella and a couple of artichokes.

Another beautiful day on the Field Researcher's floor of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy buildings.

Eris, studiously ignoring a pile of letters _re: Her Entries_, picked up a very large pile of coffee-stained research. Flipping through another stack (which had had an ancient cast-iron kettle full of jellybeans on top of it), she came across an addendum to the "fangirl" entry, forwarded to her by a correspondent, Shaya Catalyst. Her cubicle had been taken over by carnivorous chrysanthemums and, as such, she was unable to access the mainframe.

"_The creepy underage fangirl: subset of the general fangirl category, as well as the slashers and smutficcers. Often hopelessly nerdy and rather disturbing in person. At thirteen, she has never been kissed and the only naked men she has seen have been in the textbooks in health class; yet, against all reason, she insists on writing incredibly long slashfics with highly improbable and truly explicit love scenes. One wonders where she gets her information. She is also a great fan of the "hurt/comfort" sort of fic, as it sets up all sorts of opportunities for ripping peoples' shirts off, sucking of venom from wounds (which in turn leads to the sucking of other things), and getting someone to rest and heal from their wounds by shagging them senseless."_

"Not bad. The Editors might even like it." A fireball erupted from the direction of the coffeemaker, and someone swore in Franglais.

Next door, Tamun, merrily oblivious both to the world and the fact that he had twenty deadlines hanging over his head in the form of inflatable neon walruses, started rewriting the lyrics to "La Vie en Rose", which triggered one of Eris' holoreviews. The figure of a young woman, hands on hips, prissily berating her for generalizing the term "fangirl", only served as a momentary distraction; there were more important matters at hand.

A new entry.

She cracker her knuckles, asked a passing Hooloovoo for another cup of tea (it was _very_ offended by this, as in the Hooloovoo language the word "tea" means very much the same thing that the word "Belgium" means to the rest of the galaxy), and began to write.

_Schermione. Nounish. Now considered a minor deity on several of the moons of Zweefle 17. Originally a highly eccentric traveling pasta saleswoman, she was responsible for the suggested introduction of several highly ridiculous taxes in the form of "If you have eaten of the blue fruit of the neon ziggurat in the past thirty days and three seconds, you then owe your mother's barber's cousin's older brother's car mechanic one pair of handknitted socks or a batch of macadamia nut muffins." Although none of these ever came to fruition, she had several temples built in her honor on the sixth moon of Zweefle 17, the one commonly known as "Ajfhgkdws" in the local dialect. Her followers spend their days throwing lemons at innocent passerby, singing bad pop loudly and off key and, by decree of their goddess, eating roasted pork and bashing purple pig piñatas late into the night. Devotees and converts are always welcome._

Eris, satisfied with her work, stuck her foot out the door of her cubicle just as correspondent Lavinisar Nandelle was skipping by. She tumbled into Eris' cubicle in a fountain of long purple hair and torn jeans.

"Yeep!"

"Heya. Feel like braving the rest of the floor in search of a frappe?"

"Sure! What's a frappe? No, wait, don't tell me, just let me find my flamethrower."

"It's in your suitcase", said the herring.

Eris grabbed a mashie, whistled her thanks, and the two journalists moved off into the merry chaos. New entries could wait.

The corridor they headed down was eerily silent for a moment. Suddenly, there was a rustle, a loud thud, and something shrieked. The herring sighed in relief. Just a feral accountant; no problem for a highly trained journalist.

Another day in Paradise…on floor 64.9.


	6. Chapter 6

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_Squick. (squh-ICK!) adj. Normally associated with a written work or idea that is so unpalatable as to cause the reader/listener to cover their ears, hum loudly, or wash their eyes out with bleach. Can also be used to describe disgust, horror, indignation, alarm, and indigestion. Originating in North American Popular culture. Adopted by the 13 to 25 set, the fanfiction community, and several outlying systems that just like having new words that are fun to say at the top of one's lungs. Used most often in the face of gratuitous violence and bad slash._

_Smutfic. (SMUUUUUTTTTT!fic), also pronounced (AW YEahhhhhh) or (MmmmmmYOW!) and occasionally (Bow-chikka-BOW-BOWWWWW). noun, adj., etc. Also called PWP, which can stand for "Porn Without Plot" or "Plot? What Plot?" A type of fic in which the coherent storyline, if there is one, orbits around smut. Nookie. Tupping. Shagging. A Groovy Grope. Making the Beast With Two Backs. Do we have to draw a picture for you, for mercy's sake?_ (No, we're not going to draw one anyway. Yes, even if you ask nicely. Please go away. Now. No, we're not giving you our number. – Ed.)_ Often a subset of the Shippers, Smutficcers are legion and enthusiastic, and do not consider their muses restrained by such trivial things as gender, age, marriage, social class, culture, species, anatomy, time, space, or actual physical form. In other words, anything goes. One of the most favored forms of smutfic is the "Wedding Night" fic, which for some unquantified reason always seems to feature large quantities of strawberry wine. _(Research is being done on this subject, when said researchers are sober enough to sit up straight. – Ed.)

_Due to increased Anti-Slash barriers in every level of the building, and portable "Slashcorcism" kits issued to each and every correspondent (even those who haven't left the building in so long that they are not only tanless but transparent), the Hitchhiker's Guide feels free to voice its more or less official, and possibly officious, opinions on the issue for the first time._

_However, don't expect them to leave their nice safe offices for a while._

Slash, slashers, slashfic. Term for relationship between two characters of the same gender. Can either be canon characters or canon/noncanon. Canon homosexuality, such as that found in "Velvet Goldmine" and "Brokeback Mountain" does not fall under this category. Occurs most often when readers think that they see a "deeper level" behind a close friendship, when writers are setting up a REALLY odd AU, or when fangirls want all their lust objects in one place. As one can imagine, this happens an awful lot in the face of a fandom that has a large number (i.e., more than one) of attractive male characters. The worst hit are, as usual, Lord of the Rings, with Pirates of the Caribbean and Star Wars coming in a closely tied second, and moving up every day. Pairings can be anywhere from the Almost Somehow Plausible (think Obi-Wan and Anakin) to the Insanely Ludicrous (think Elrond and Legolas, or anybody and Sauron, if the first isn't ludicrous enough).

It is, indeed, a sad fact that the greater part of fans, no matter what fandom, seem unable to wrap their minds around the fact that two people can just be incredibly close friends without any sort of underlying sexual tension. University professors seem to think the same way. Connections are currently being studied.

(_The Editors would like it noted at this point that, despite searching far and wide and high and low and several as yet unnamed directions, they have not been able to find any "War and Peace" Maria/Natasha slash, thank goodness. Or maybe they just weren't looking hard enough._)

This being said, there is, on occasion, such a thing as Good Slash. For instance, the 9th Doctor/Jack harkness pairings from "Doctor Who", while not strictly canonical, are somewhat plausible and therefore do not conflict with canon too severely. (_That, and it's really, really hot. Yowza. – Ed._) However, Good Slash is so very rare in the first place, and so eclipsed by Bad Slash, that it is nearly nonexistent. Slash squicks many people out, some quite violently so, and in many cases not without reason. There is a very large amount of Truly Sick Shit to be found, including Group Orgy fics, and the ever-present Rapefic. (_How somebody could get their rocks off writing this we don't know. –Ed._)

Mentor/Parental Figure slash (think Sirius and Harry) is nasty; incest slash (think Boromir and Faramir) is JUST PLAIN WRONG. (_Yes, we really do think that. No, there's not enough booze in the 'Verse to change our minds. No, we don't think that trying it would help. Shouldn't you be somewhere else? Preferably very far away from us? –Ed._) See also "femmeslash", the female counterpart, which has its own set of issues, and associated nastiness. Think Janet/Sam from "Stargate SG-1", Beka/Rommie/Trance from "Andromeda", Eowyn/Arwen from "lord of the Rings"…(_You get the picture, and we're getting squicked. – Ed._)

_-Entry by eris86, Earth Correspondent and Squickologist_

_(Edited by the Editors. If you have a beef with this entry, take it up with them. If you can find them.)_


	7. Chapter 7

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_Glorp. A sound of distress and indignation, first discovered on Zweefle 17 by correspondent Tamun. In the native tongue of the Zweefulfeefians, it means any number of things, including but not limited to "I have spilled the last glass of champagne on my suede underpants" and "I have just been pinched on the rump by an amorous ill-clad member of the same sex whose shoes do not match their belt and am now cornered in a skanky bathroom by said person with several other persons who claim that they want to watch". Needless to say, it is a useful and versatile word._

_AU. (ay-YOOH). Noun. Alternate Universe, much beloved of and abused by fanfiction writers. Wherein people and events change, mutate, or never exist at all. This can, admittedly, produce some very good and very interesting fic but, as with most plot devices, is less often used for good, or even "good-bad" than evil. "AU" is utilized quite often by those in the Lord of the Rings continuum who express a loathing for Arwen Undomiel (see also "Fangirl"), and wish to pair Aragorn with another female or male of their choosing. (see also "Slash", "OC", "Mary Sue", "OOC") Massively popular in the Potterverse amongst those who consider Snape/Harry, Harry/Draco, Lupin/Snape, Sirius/James, Lily/Giant Squid or Dumbledore/Harry to be their One True Pairing. (see also "Squick")_

_Despite extensive research, the concept of Fanon continues to befuddle quasi-sane beings everywhere. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy does not employ such beings._

Fanon, much like canon, is information widely accepted by the fans of (_insert applicable universe_). However, the primary difference here is that Fanon is not specified in any of the works of the Author, but is in actuality common supposition amongst fans of whatever work. This, of course, only works as long as all the fans know what the others are thinking all the time, a feat only once before achieved.

During the third season of "Xwhjgrwegjhrweehj, the Shdafdgfdhsjg", the Zweefulfeefians (a telepathic race that inhabits the planet Zweefle 17, a lovely place with tangerine beaches and verdant ziggurats and seven luminous purple moons) constructed backstories for both of the main love interests; namely, a happy and loving upbringing by seven maiden aunts for the Poor-Yet-Virtuous-And-Magically-Gifted-Woodcutter, and a degree from the School of Hard Knocks for the Handsome Warrior Prince. Considerable confusion, and numerous mental breakdowns, ensued when it was revealed midseason that the Woodcutter had been the one raised in the middle of the city and hadn't seen so much as a blade of grass before he turned twenty, while the Warrior Prince still lived at home with his granny and hosted the bi-weekly Crochet Team meetings.

Some of the more common kinds of fanon can be located in the Harry Potter continuum, such as the spell "flipendus" or the assumption that Remus J. Lupin, when turned into a werewolf as a child, was bitten on the shoulder. Though Mostly Harmless, fanon can, on occasion, conflict very badly with actual Canon (in the case of someone having a past that is wildly out of character) or can run directly opposite to Canon, which often happens in incomplete or open-ended storylines.

At this point, the fandom begins to fracture, causing great wars between the Denialists, who follow their fanon to the bitter end, and the Canonists, who believe that the Author is the supreme authority on Canon, and if the Denialists want to play in their own little world then they should Get Off Their Fat Butts and Write Their Own Stories, By Zarquod.

Jurisfiction research teams have been studying the possible effects of Fanon versus Canon, and have yet to release their results. However, this correspondent knows one of the researchers Quite Well and In An Entirely Platonic Manner, I Tell You. Therefore, if it's shiny, Urple, and Big Martin the Bookfiend is running away from it, you probably should try and keep up. Or, better yet, pull a Rincewind and pass him.

_-Entry by eris86, Earth Correspondent and Big Martin Groupie_


	8. Chapter 8: Knotwork

This is, I am afraid, the last chapter in this particular Guide entry. Home Office has sent me on a field mission. I hope you enjoy what I managed to keep the Chrysanthemums from eating. –Correspondent eris86

NEXT ENTRY 

_Shameless plug. Self-promotion of the most obvious and blatant kind, usually in reference to fanfiction. Frowned upon by the Ankh-Morpork Beggar's Guild. Used copiously by everyone else._

_Twincest. Unfortunately, exactly what it sounds like. Plagues the Weasley family and the House of Elrond like you wouldn't believe. Variants on the theme can be found with the Brothers McManus, and something called "Wincest" from the Supernatural fandom…a sin for which this correspondent, personally, is going to receive a Penthouse in the Special Hell, complete with a sparkly fuschia hot tub. Oh, well…at least there's parody opportunities aplenty…_

_OOC (Oh-Oh-SEE). Out Of Character. Also (OOK!), (ICK!), (ACK!), depending on person and/or situation. A situation occurring in fanfiction wherein the actions of a character are wildly opposite from what they would be in canon, their nature doing "an overnight 180", as observed by correspondent Amy-The-Rat. Examples of this include a loving and nurturing Witch King, a lust-addled Elrond, and the ever popular and wildly inaccurate Rapist!Boromir. OOC does not exist on its own, but is instead caused by such subsets as the Mary Sue, the Slashfic, and the Smutfic. Of course, the root problem behind all of this is Bad Writing, but there are not yet any socio-politically acceptable cures for this, as execution by Unlikely Object is frowned upon in most systems._

_OTP. (OH-TEE-PEE!!!11!!!!1) One True Pairing. noun? adjective? Who cares? Wildly beloved of nearly every type of fan, amongst them shippers (whose OTP is their life's breath), slashers (whose OTP can be anywhere from somewhat plausible to glorpfully squicky), and fangirls (whose OTP can be nearly anything at all).OTP can, on occasion, be helpful to a fandom, if it's a canon pairing: look at all the sweet, __**well-written**__ Aragorn/Arwen and Faramir/Eowyn stories there are! These, however, are few and far between. What it really disturbing are the truly arrogant writers who have the gall, the utter INDECENCY to declare their Mary Sue or Marty Stu the One True Pairing for the character that the fic matches them with. I mean, what in the name of zarking fardwarks – _(This rant has been removed as it would have overloaded the Guide's storage capacity. -Ed.) _That being said, there is such thing as an OTE – One True Exception. These, despite the presence of an Original Character, are plausible, moving, and amusing stories, with a distinct lack of Sues and Stus. An example of this would be Katinka31's Abby Loomis/Sirius Black pairing, found in the story "Interwoven"._

**SECONDARY ENTRY. PERSONAL GUIDE POWER RUNNING LOW.**

The concept of the Tie-In Novel is exceedingly popular, _writes the Hitchhiker's Guide_, but can cause very serious crises within Canon.

The central problem behind the thing is, as usual, Bad Writing, which is a growing plague in every fandom and genre. _(The type of dren that actually gets published never ceases to amaze. –Ed.)_ This is best exemplified in the situation known as Kreate-A-Fan! (tm.) An author is hired to write the novel for a particular show or movie or what-have-you, is given a plot outline and a LARGE fistful of DVDs, and instructed to Have Fun. The author is then required to watch all the DVDs in a very short amount of time, irrespective of whether or not they like the plot/characters/show/genre in general, and then have to sit down and crank out a formula three hundred pages so that they can pay the rent on their rat hole apartment and feed some of their twenty-three cats. The novel, of course, is a disappointment to both author and fans, although the people selling them seem happy enough.

Fun, as can be guessed, is rarely ever had.

One of the prime examples of this sort of situation is the Star Wars tie-in novel entitled "The Courtship of Princess Leia". Although this correspondent has not been able to gird her loins and read this, or any Star Wars novel, she has Heard Things. Many fans considered this book stilted and mightily unsatisfying, and thought the antagonistic romantic opposition Prince Isolder to be two-dimensional, at best. _(Not to mention his name sounds like a cross between a tragic heroine and a brand of oven cleaner. –Ed.) _The worst things said about the book are not printable, even in this publication.

_(It should be noted at this point that Bad Writing is a disease that affects even the best published authors, in the form of narrative inconsistencies. In the Sneaky Pie Brown murder mystery books, the welsh corgi Tucker undergoes an inexplicable sex change the third novel in, moving from male to female. Even the great Terry Pratchett suffers from inconsistencies; his characterization of Sam Vimes changes radically through the series. However, the only people who notice this sort of thing are die-hard fans, bibliophiles, and anal retentive English majors, such as the author of this article. – Ed.)_

This situation is, unfortunately, common to very nearly every fandom. Correspondents Antony and Ferryman recently revealed that the latest "Dungeons and Dragons" novels were so bad that there was no punctuation whatsoever in them, in some cases including a lack of essential full stops. The "Babylon 5" technomage trilogy is even more impossible to read than _Dune_. Even the short-lived television series "Witchblade" had a tie-in novel, most of which was incomprehensible and had to do with computer magic and alternate dimensions and The White Dragon Who Hides In The Snow and mahjongg and _very_ scantily-clad women.

What are these people thinking? I mean, even the "Farscape" novels sucked, even the "Doctor Who" novels are rubbish and don't get me started on the "Stargate" novels! Um, excuse me, "Morpheus Factor"? With aliens that create solid things from their imagination? Puh-lease. And using Sam's eyeliner as an excuse to go back to the planet?!? Most fan novels I've read are better than this rubbish!!! It's a conspiracy, I tell you, a conspiracy to drain us of our money and time and energy, a conspiracy to ROT OUR BRAINS!!! Well, I'm not gonna take it any more! I'm gonna go right down to those publishing companies, and I'm gonna give them a piece of my-

(Field Marshal von Strangleholt here. Correspondent eris86 is in the middle of another one of her little episodes, and is being fed hot, sweet tea (spiked with scumble) by several of her fellows. Well, actually, they're pinching her nose and pouring it down her throat. At any rate, on the subject of television tie-in novels: Get a life, people. There's better things to read out there. I would suggest "Her Little Majesty" (a biography of Queen Victoria), or a good Carl Hiassin book. Something that encourages healthy mental exercise. You could even read one of the "Lovejoy" murder mystery novels; even though it has about as much plot as the tie-in trash you all read (that is to say, none at all), you'll actually _learn_ something instead of just wasting your time.

I will be checking in on you. I know where you all live.)

_-Entry by eris86, frustrated tie-in reader_

_-completed by The Field Marshal, who really prefers a good murder mystery, and so should you, you slackers_

**TERTIARY ENTRY. POWER RUNNING LOW. RECHARGE BATTERY Y/N?**

_Fluff. Tooth rottingly sweet romance. Canon or Noncanon. Can be anywhere from tender and heartwarming to sporkfully corrupting. Common weapon of smutficcers, shippers, slashers, and overly-hormonal fangirls. Most of the time, is of little consequence to the reader's brain. Should it, however, be paired with the PWP, it can become lethal and cause a usually sane and sober fangirl to melt into a little puddle of goo in her computer chair. Is at its worst when combined with the PWP, OTP, and Slash. Some have never recovered._

_EU. (eee-YOOH). Extended Universe. Also pronounced (eiu) in some circles. While a reasonable and exciting vehicle for a good writer in an open-ended fandom, it is usually badly beaten to death by overzealous badficcers who use it as a means to address what they perceive as being "wrong" with canon, the arrogant little twits. On that note, the writer of this entry will, herself, give many many cookies (and perhaps a recipe) to any accomplished goodfic writer who creates a multi-chapter story entitled "Teddy Lupin and the Legend of the Plaid Werewolf". Really. _

Parody. (PAH-roh-dee). Also (EEE-hee-hee), (HAL-lay-lu-yah), (THANK-yew-jeezuz), and infinite variations thereof. The saving grace of every fandom. A parody's sole, true purpose is to methodologically pick apart a situation that, though apparently serious, holds elements of the ridiculous. This is done not out of spite, nor boredom, nor any animus towards writers or fans; it is done to present a critical outlook of people's dearly held conceptions about the material world around them, and the ideals (false or not) to which they cling.

It can be offensive, yes; it can be painful. Ultimately, it is a learning experience and an exercise in creativity, one which should be enthusiastically and lovingly embraced by all who consider themselves serious writers. Why, you may ask? Because the moment one can no longer laugh at oneself is the moment at which all creativity becomes an exercise in futility; it becomes nothing more than a weak outlet for the thoughts and hopes and dreams that the Writer dare not express out loud. Without the ability for laughter and a modicum of self-ridicule, the whole act of creation becomes pointless; for what is life without joy, without hope? No growth can come without the ability to admit Yes, I Was Wrong; Was Blind, But Now I See. In truth, that is what the entire endeavor of Creation, no matter what form it may take, is all about, and we should make ourselves willing and ready to embrace it, to reflect upon it and grow from it.

Even if it seems really friggin' ridiculous at the time.

So stop sitting in a dingy corner, sucking on your towel! Got take a shower (seriously, you need it at this point), get out there, and start creating! Take a photo of a tree, dye your poodle pink, draw a mustache on your brother with a Sharpie while he's asleep. Just go.

Besides, the Guide is spotting for talent these days. Best to show them what you've got in you, isn't it?

\o/

…**battery has expired. Please recharge by taking out into sunlight and whistling at koi.**


	9. Bigger, badder, and even more insulting

**_bink**

**_bink**

**_bonk**

**_bop bop a doo la**

**_knock three times**

**_on the ceiling if you want me**

**_TWICE ON THE PIPES IF THE ANSWER IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**_bink**

**_bink**

**_bink**

**[RECHARGE SORT OF COMPLETE. RESUME PROTOCOLS Y/N/HOW SHOULD I KNOW?]**

**[OPERATOR APPEARS TO BE DRUNK. SWITCHING TO DEFAULT IN 3249890…23423…948…]**

**FACT:** The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is widely regarded as one of the best-researched works of informative literature in existence. Not because all the facts are true and confirmed and accurate (because they aren't), but because the Guide, without fail, always manages to find the information that its readers will find the most useful, if not the most gut-wrenchingly amusing.

_Wibble: (WIB-ble). V. Whimpering dribble. Often associated with fangirls upon viewing their lust object's presence onscreen or in person, viewing their lust objects making out, or requesting that their lust objects make out in public at a con. (See also J2 {Guide link to follow; article not yet submitted}). A disgusting, humiliating little noise, and yet somehow effective._

_Sparklepire: (SPARKLES!). Also (OOhh, ED-ward), (WHI-ny BITCH), (GO GET BUf-fy), and (SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!) Proper noun. Refers to the recent preponderance of Sympathetic Tormented Vampires in popular literature and television. These characters are presented as brooding, misunderstood, charismatic individuals, who often are tormented by A Secret Past or A Lost True Love (See also Mary Sue, Marty Stu). Strangely enough in all the tales of the Sparklepire's trials and passions, their hopes and dreams, and the (meatsacks) humans who dare to love them, no mention is made that these Beautiful Noble Creatures Of The Night are actually walking corpses who are damned in the eyes of God and rise at night to gorge themselves on the blood of innocents. Because that part is totally not important._

_**The Hitchhiker's Guide has this to say about vampires:**_

_**Yes, it still counts as necrophilia.**_

_**They also have something to say about vampire literature.**_

Vampire chick lit is not something that started with Stephanie Meyers and her desire to share her Freudian sex dreams with the world population. It didn't start with Sookie Stackhouse and her taste for men that were cold and hard in a definitely illegal way. In fact, it didn't even start with Buffy/Spike/Angel fan novels.

The first real incident of "fangfiction", as it was then called, actually showed up in the mostly unaired season %*#.3 of "Xwhjgrwegjhrweehj, the Shdafdgfdhsjg". When it was first shown to test audiences, it appeared to be a mega-hit; people were plastered to their screens, merchandise flew off the diagonal shelves of the great Zweefle 17 Mall-O-Plex, and the fanfiction community exploded. Those who chose to dress themselves as vampires, or even as vampire prey, were viewed as a harmless lot of eccentrics.

Little is actually known about what caused the great anti-fang cultural implosion of Zweefle 17. For a time, biting someone on the neck became the common form of greeting, even with visiting diplomats. The last public incident of neck biting was when the Alpha of the Lupus system and the Lord High Muckymuck of Wizzzzzzzzard were invited for a state dinner, and greeted with open arms and open fangs by the Blacque Kourt of Vhampyres (formally the Zweefle High Council). All that was seen of the broadcast before it cut off was Lydy Mydnyte (Chancellor Florence) going for the throat of the Alpha, and the Muckymuck raising his great staff in protest, the knob on the end glowing a purpley-greenish color (octarine, the color of magic).

The governmental records from the two years of non-communication are closed tighter than Eccentria Gallumbits' fists around a wad of cash, and no amount of boob-flashing on the part of any of the Guide Field Agents was enough to get more than a scowl and a "We don't really talk about that. Stop looking at my neck. No, really."

It is, however, worth noting, that before the Grand Seclusion the Zweeflefeefians were tall and slim with dark hair and ivory skin. Now they are universally short, chubby, octarine-tinted, and tend to get very hairy around the full moons. By all reports, this is the happiest they've ever been.

_-entry by correspondent eris86, who packs a holly stake in her boot_


	10. Chapter 10: Kablooey!

**_ o**

**_ O**

**_ Oh**

**_Oh eh oh eh**

**_Oh eh oh eh**

**_RYTHMN IS GONNA GETCHA**

**_1-2-3-4 come on baby say you love me**

**_5-6-7 times**

**_8-9-10-11 I'm just gonna keep on counting**

**_Until you are mine**

**_I LIVE FOR LOVING YOUUUUUUUU**

**_Oh eh oh eh**

**_Oh eh oh eh**

**_Oh**

**_O**

**_o**

_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about War Fandom:_

Service is entirely honourable. Victory, and defeat, and wounds, and PTSD, are all entirely honourable. Therapy is also entirely honourable. As is medication.

_It also has this to say about the fangirls of war criminals and Nazi officers:_

We're calling your Mum, **RIGHT NOW.**

_The entry continues like this:_

War!Fandom: a fandom based entirely around either material (fictional or nonfictional) written about a major military conflict, or the conflict itself. This can be anything from the military campaigns of the Roman Empire, to the Crusades, to the American Civil War, or either one of the World Wars, or even up unto the present era with the U.S. presence in Afghanistan and Iraq. Oddly enough, especially considering the subject matter, the denizens of War!Fandom are, as a whole, kind, welcoming, and utterly free of drama. This is particularly interesting, considering the inherently bloody and politically incorrect subject matter, in opposition to fandoms such as "Supernatural" and "Teen Wolf".

(_The Editors have recently had a really violent breakup with Supernatural, and are still regretting everything about the kinkmemes in that fandom except for the fact that such perversions taught them where their boundaries were, in an explicit and often deeply disturbing, nightmare-inducing manner. Also, although, Derek/Stiles is their guilty fic pleasure, the Editors are making an active effort to avoid watching "Teen Wolf" at all; note, all televisions have been removed from the break rooms and replaced with holograms of Eccentria Gallumbits as projected against the Hyper-Tea Machines. It's healthier in the long run. -Ed._)

Much of this military and combat-related subject matter is referenced in the 3.143109th season of "Xwhjgrwegjhrweehj, the Shdafdgfdhsjg", which primarily focused on an historical conflict between Zweeful 17 and its neighboring system, E'OIQian (pronounced aEkrd'sjk'b). The Warrior Prince, as opposed to the impressions given in previous seasons of him being a homebody, was in fact living with his Granny and hosting the Intergalactic Crochet Finals because she was the only individual tough enough to talk him out of his emotional turmoil from the Great and Unholy Pudding Conflicts and Gelatine Battles of Ibiohaf 23/6 that he'd seen while trying to seek his fortune and earn the money to cure his baby sister of a rare version of Kgwdw'i flu. Needless to say, this storyline had more of an impact on Zweefulfeefian society than even the second season of "Downton Abbey" and "Homeland" combined had on Earth American and British Society.

While most of the impact was entirely healthy, especially on the part of veterans, the caffeine consumption of health professionals, doctors, therapists, acupressurists, and librarians increased to the degree that Zweefle 17 needed to import javanoid substances from other systems. While the general chemical structures of these items were indeed similar to those consumed by the natives on a regular basis, there is some thought that the preference for iron-rich sources of sustenance, the consuming of kaolin, and sharpened eyeteeth are due to the products from the Lupus system. However, as those grounds are highest in caffeine, and carry the taste of goiji berries and oranges and are all provided free as part of a new trade agreement in light of the "Unfortunate Incident" the last time the System Alpha visited, nobody seems to object. They just smile, and show an awful lot of pointy teeth.

-_Entry by Correspondent Eris86, who doesn't have a single being in her family or kennel or greenhouse who didn't volunteer when the time came._

_Editorial Note:_ The Guide is actively seeking submissions! Got a term you want defined? Got a quibble you want addressed to one of the herrings and pinned to a CF'fian sentient cactus? Let the Editors know through the comments! Also, Whomsoever is the 200th commenter gets an entry dedicated to them by the Enslaved Cubicle Reporting Drones! Have Fun!


End file.
